THE MANY VARIED VOICES IN YOUR TEENAGERS HEAD
After 8 years of working with teenagers (male and female) I wanted to put together a few thoughts for parents – from the teenagers perspective. Many of these thoughts we may not think about but we do need to. There are many stressors in parenting teenagers today but there are many ways to make this experience a more positive one for the parent and the teenager. There will never be anyone more important than you in your teenagers life (not always visible!) but it is true. Think of your own relationship with your mother/father – was it the way you wanted it to be, were there things you would have liked her/him to do differently – learn from your own upbringing. It is never too late to make changes.
When I work one to one with teens they do tend to be very honest about their feelings, their pressures, their stressors in life. I came across an article from Psychology Today that I am also using as it resonated with me. Together there are some very valid realistic points here, I hope it helps!
Teen – ‘Dont Give up on me. Don’t hate me back. Don’t react to my many moods, I need you to be stronger than me. When my room is a mess – ignore it, it looks how I feel inside. When I give out and tell you that you are the worst parent ever, that I hate you, I never mean it – I always need you to be a parent first. I need your love, your understanding, your knowledge more than you will ever know. I know I can be very hard to live with but I need you to know there are days when my head feels like it is going to explode, days when I doubt everything about me, days when social media makes me question my everything, it can be so confusing. My feelings get hurt at school, by teachers, guidance counsellors but mostly by other students. I don’t always tell you because sometimes I feel ashamed that it effects me so much. I know you are mad at me. I don’t blame you. Sometimes I say such mean horrible things to you. I push you away and stop talking to you. I try to
remember when this started, I remember a younger happier carefree version of me – what happened, when did everything get so confusing? Please dont’ give up on me. You are the one constant in my life, I need you.
If I could tell you how to help me, this is what I would say:
1. Take my electronics away – am I addicted? Yes I am. I try to put my phone down but I can’t. I am so tired of being available all of the time online. Social Media is a new drug, we are all addicted to it and so many of us are getting lost in it. I will fight with you but please just do it – I need YOU to set limits on technology for me.
2. Don’t yell at me – I know how hard it is not to yell at me – I know how frustrated you may be but please try to talk to me and not to yell at me – there are so many noises in my head already. When you yell it makes me feel so sad, I believe you are so disappointed in me, you are so sick of me. I question do you still love me?
3. Give me space – I am a teenager, I need alone time – I need space. That is what teenagers crave. Please try to remember what you felt like when you were a teenager? Some things have not changed that much. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me because I spend so much time in my room – Im reading, listening to music, chatting to my friends, don’t worry so much please. I know you hear all the horror stories about teens spending too much time in their bedrooms but you ‘know’ me better than anyone. Im just taking time out.
4. Stop spoiling me – I need to understand life – the ups and the downs. I know you are doing the best for me but sometimes the best for me is;
-letting me learn from my mistakes,
-helping me to understand the value of money by giving me jobs to do if I want something,
-teaching me life skills to prepare me for living life independently,
-all of these will make me feel more capable and stronger in myself. I need to learn to be independent – to feed myself, wash my clothes, make decisions, have opinions. Please help me to feel stronger, more capable and more self reliant – if you don’t, who will?
5. Find me someone I can talk to (that isn’t you) – there are somethings I cannot talk to you about. When you were my age could you talk to your mum/dad about everything? I need another adult to look up to, to open up to, to help me to see myself more clearly. Someone who is not part of my immediate family. Just another ear and another voice that I can learn from and express myself to. Sometimes I have things in my life that I need to talk about but because you are my mum/dad I may feel embarrassed, or feel that I have left you down or believe that you might be disappointed in me. Do you understand? It is not about you (because you are wonderful) this is about me.
6. Tell me that you love me-I know you presume I ‘know’ you love me but honestly mum/dad I need to hear the words. I may pretend and act like I don’t care but I do care, I care more than anything. You are and will always be the most important person in my life and I love you. You are the person I rely on every day, you are my rock. In a world where sometimes I can feel so lost and alone at times – I know I have you.
My rant is over, please take it for what it is. I know parenting is really hard and frustrating but you are an amazing parent and I love you. Please remember through all the fights and arguments I see ‘everything’ you do for me and I appreciate it more than you will ever know.( I know I could show you more).
Love your frustrating, hormonal, moody, angry (at times) daughter/son who is trying to find her/his way in a very confusing, busy, overloaded world. She/he loves you very much.
WHO CARES ENOUGH ABOUT WHAT OUR KIDS ARE LEARNING – TO LOOK FOR CHANGE? The Politicians? I think not.
I recently asked my daughter (Leaving Cert student) to show me her Irish prose/short stories – to say I was horrified was an understatement. The depressing tone was just insane. She has been very frustrated this past year telling me she is tired of learning off ‘stuff’ just to regurgitate it for an exam. This is not just in Irish.
The world has changed so much over the past 10 years yet our curriculum has not. The recent changes made to the English exam this year are another example of no one caring! My Junior Cert daughter (yes 2 exam students in our house this year) came out of her pre-english exam really not understanding what it was all about. No one could finish the exam as it was not timed out correctly and the questions did not help our kids to open their imaginations and think for themselves.
My 6th class daughter spends hours each week ‘learning off’ Irish essays (sometimes understanding what she is learning, sometimes not) and the pressure to regurgitate these essays on Fridays is ridiculous. What happened to learning vocabulary and putting together an essay using their minds.
LEARN OFF AND REGURGITATE is the message I am seeing.
I see many kids aged between 8-18 years of age, male and female and the common thread for many of them is that they are creative. This creativity can have its setbacks as our curriculum is not open to much creativity. Academia is the ‘in phrase’.
I ask you…….
What good is academia to the student who cannot communicate with others?
What good is academia to the student who cannot speak up for himself?
What good is academia to the student who is inherently unhappy in that world?
What good is academia to the student who wonders why she is not fitting in as there is no balance between academia and creativity?
We have to fight for change. Our kids are growing up with a constant influence in the form of technology.
Recent workshops I held with a group of 6th year students (mixed school) showed me the need for a balance. Kids are crying out to be supported on how to live in this world happily, confidently and safely.
Over 90% of these students said their biggest regret over the past 5 years was using their phone too much.
It effected their studies, their relationships, their sports, their mindset and so much more, and not in a positive way. There are many positives to technology but unfortunately there are also many negatives.
I am fully aware that schools find it very hard to fit anything else into the curriculum as it is. The good teachers are amazing and need to be reminded of the impact they have on each and every student they teach.
School is the only place where we can reach all kids – of all backgrounds – with all types of parenting. To ensure our younger generation get the support they need we HAVE to seek change in the curriculum so it does include ‘self-development’, ‘communication skills’, ‘self-esteem building’ and so much more – if only to counteract what they are believing and seeing daily on social media.
Is your child/teenager addicted to their phone? Does their phone rule or do they take control of their phone?
I recently ran a workshop on Self-Development with a group of 6th year students in Co. Laois. I would like to share some of my findings which are very relevant to any parent with kids of any age. This was a mixed group – males and females aged 17/18 years of age.
Do you think your phone/gamine effects your study?
–Yes because once you start using it you never get off it and waste hours
-Yes sometimes I loose track of time and I am then too tired or its too late to study
-Yes it is distracting when your friends message you, you feel you have to reply straight away
-Yes playing too much ultimate geam
-Yes because you are constantly checking it which effects my concentration
Up to 95% said their phones effected their study. We spoke at length about how they could change this and what would happen if they did/did not make some changes now. (4 months before Leaving Cert Examination)
They really were very open to taking on change. They admitted they never really thought about the effects their phone was having on their lives – study, family, past-times, but they will now.
Do you think this workshop might encourage you to make any positive changes in your life?
–yes, to turn off my phone when I am studying
-yes, to take my phone out of my bedroom at night
-yes, to find a balance between my real life and my virtual life
-yes, I feel motivated to study
-yes, not to rely on my phone so much
-yes, to set goals for myself and follow them through
-yes, to try harder at training and switch off my phone
My point is, in all the workshops I run, the students are so open to change. I really believe they do not think about the negative effects of their phones, as they have grown up believing this is the only way to live (phone constantly in their hands). They need to come to this realisation themselves, when they decide to turn their phones off themselves because they understand the negative effects of it, they have a good chance of sticking to it. When they are ‘told’ to turn their phone off for study, this is when the battles begin. We spoke about the effect of phones on family life, past-times, fitness, friendships, sleep, values and strengths – our kids need life skills, they need to learn how to control their phones, take control of their lives. We, their parents, can help them to do this from a very early age. We have to set boundaries for them and stick to them. Will there be arguments? yes. Will there be tantrums? yes. But this is part of our parenting job now. We have to support and help our kids to have a balance in their lives, to understand the world offline and to try to take part in it as much as possible.
I would love to see Self-development modules become part of our curriculum from a very early age as our kids are growing up in a very fast paced, changing technological run world and they do need help and support to live in it in a more positive, healthy way.
Please contact me should you have any questions relating to the above. EileenShare Blog
Why would my teenager need a mentor?
Does your teenager –
Lack interest in life?
Feel overwhelmed with pressures of exams?
Feel confused re friendship issues?
Have a low self-esteem?
Have trouble controlling emotions?
Have trouble dealing with Peer Pressure?
If you answered YES to any of the above, you may want to find out more about Teenage Mentoring. Do give me a call or send me an email to get more details.
“Teenage mentoring is a brain to pick, an ear to listen and a push in the right direction.”
The Importance Of Real Friends In Our Kids Life
Friendships are an important part of childhood. For many this happens naturally and many kids enjoy positive friendships throughout their childhood and adolescence.
Unfortunately, for many, this does not happen quite so easily. I come across so many kids/adolescents who are confused and upset regarding friendships. Maybe it is the effects of social media, American TV and/or peers but there are so many friendships based on the wrong things.
What is a friend?
A friend is a person who is willing to take me the way I am, someone I can trust and rely on.”
The word friend is misused if it is identified with a person who contributes to our delinquency, misery, and heartaches. The word friend is misused if it is a person we do not know but attach ourselves to online.
And this is where the problem can lie.
The true meaning of friendship has become confusing for many. This is something we really need to discuss more with our children. Help them to be very clear about what a friend really means. Explain to them it takes time to build friendships, they may make friends with many people over their schooling years but they will probably end up with 3/4 very good ‘real’ friends if they are lucky.
Show them the meaning of ‘friendship’ by letting them see how you treat your own friends, what you expect from your own friends and what you are willing to do for them.
Online chats pose a huge problem for kids today, pictures being posted without permission, comments being posted, people talking about each other online in a negative and hurtful way. Everyone needs to understand that this is not acceptable.
I see far too many kids and teens who are seriously hurting because of many of these issues.
Watch out for tell tale signs;
*they may stay in their room for longer periods of time
*they may become very distracted and angry
*they may stop going out socially
*they may stop attending sporting events/training
I realise many of these actions can be put down to growing up but you know your child – if you notice a change in behaviour, follow up on it.
Where problems may arise –
Kids on the outskirts of the popular group – try to explain to them just because they are the popular group does not automatically mean they would make good friends. A lot of people following the ‘popular group’ do not end up with any ‘real friends’.
Kids who are not sporty but may be in a sporty schools – this can be very hard, especially for the boys as the peer group tends to be tiered depending on sporting ability. There is a ridiculously large amount of slagging given to many kids because they are not good at sport. In the last 2/3 years I have seen a lot more boys than ever before and in my opinion some of the boys are becoming a lot more bitchy, nasty and mean and a lot more conscious of their appearance. Help your child to know the importance of believing in himself. Let him/her know you believe in them, ‘their’
best is always good enough for you.
Kids who are spoilt and used to getting their own way can find it hard to make friends. Help your kids to understand the meaning of playing, taking turns, sharing, kindness. They need the tools to feel confident around other kids and communicate in a positive way with them. Spoilt kids will very often have a much harder time making ‘real friends’. They may have friends who follow them around because they have money, big house, freedom etc but these friendships will not usually last.
Kids need playdates to bond with peers. If you are a parent working full-time try to plan playdates for the weekend. During schools hours kids are busy in the classroom, there is not a lot of time for bonding. Don’t underestimate the importance of playdates – this also gives you a chance to see who they are mixing with, how they behave around other peers, and how they are treated by their peers.
“The only way to have a friend, is to be one”. – Ralph Emmerson
If your child is having a hard time making friends
LISTEN – give them a chance to talk so you can understand better what may be at the heart of his/her struggle making and/or keeping friends. Some kids worry about getting teased and making mistakes others feel left out and rejected by peers.
OBSERVE – Look for behaviours in your child that may be a turn off to other children. For example, does your child avoid eye contact with others? Does your child speak so quietly others can’t hear? Has your child problems sharing or taking turns?
These are examples of missing social skills – all kids need social skills to make to make friends.
SET FRIENDSHIP GOALS – Depending on how socially anxious your child may be, you may need to start with a very small goal.
*Asking a friend over for a playdate
*Asking to borrow something
*Asking to join in
*Sharing a toy with another classmate
*Saying ‘Hi’ to a classmate
*Set up regular playdates
*Encourage extra-curricular activities
*Have regular family games nights (teach them to win and loose gracefully)
*Give your child ‘icebreakers’ – pack some snacks or fun toys that they can share with other classmates.
*Speak to the teacher – do not let your child know you are speaking to the teacher this will further compound his belief that there is something wrong with him. But if you do speak to the teacher ask her to be discreet and try to sit your child with someone she feels they may bond with.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any queries regarding the above.Share Blog
DOES THE WAY WE WERE PARENTED HAVE TO EFFECT THE WAY WE PARENT OUR OWN KIDS?
One of the toughest things about parenting is that the results are not always obvious. If we rely on the immediate behaviour of our kids to measure how we are doing as parents, there will be days we feel we have done the best job as a parent and days we do not understand what is happening in our chaotic world – this is the norm.
The messages we learn as children are powerful and can determine the way we look at things and deal with many different issues throughout our lives. But we must remember, if we did not receive positive and healthy message as a child, this does NOT mean we cannot give positive and healthy messages to our kids. Too many parents believe they cannot be good parents because of their own childhood and the parenting they received – this is not the case.
There are two ways our own history can influence us as parents;
1. We can repeat what we have experienced.
2. We can push against what we have been exposed to and do things in a completely different way.
Here are some of the negative messages that can become embedded during childhood and new ways to think about them.
“I don’t know what a good parent looks like. I’m ruining my kids.”
Knowing what a good parent ‘is not’ is as powerful as knowing what a good parent is. If you take the negative from your own parenting and make sure you do not repeat this, you are one step ahead.
“You have to be good to be loved.”
Nobody is always good. But you are always good enough. Try not to compare your kids to other siblings, cousins etc, let them know they are great just the way they are. We all make mistakes, loose our temper, make rash decisions – this does not make us unlovable, it makes us human.
“Arguing leads to trouble. It’s easier to agree.
Disagreements are normal and healthy in every family. Setting boundaries is essential in parenting, this will usually lead to arguments, but you have to stand strong. It is always easier to say ‘yes’, that does not mean it is always right.
“Kids should be seen and not heard.”
We all have a voice and its an important one, everyone deserves to be heard. We need to teach our kids how to be able to interact with other adults and peers, they need to be seen and heard to achieve this. This does not mean we have no privacy, there is a time and a place for everything. They need to know we will ‘listen’ to them when they have something to tell us – try to remember what was important to you when you were their age. If they come to you and you do not listen or show any interest in what they are saying, it may be the last time they come to you. Communication is vital in all stages of parenting.
“Kids should do as they are told.”
Kids need to be able to say ‘no’ – this is one of the most important words on the planet. It is not the most pleasant when fired at us directly, but it is a word that we want them to know and to feel confident and strong about. Whenever you hear them say ‘no’, which very often will be at the most inconvenient times, know that your little being is experimenting with setting and protecting his or her own boundaries. It will be an experiment that will take time to master – and that’s ok.
‘What I want doesn’t matter.’
‘You matter, your needs matter.’
One of the most damaging lessons that unhealthy families teach is that the needs of the child aren’t important. They will have various ways of doing this, including criticism, judgement, put-downs and neglect. The depression of needs will, literally, lead to depression and a malnourished self. We all have needs and we all need to be in an environment that is supportive of those needs. You matter and what is important to you matters. It is difficult to thrive when the things that are important to you are being crushed.
Kids need to control themselves.
Children have to learn how to understand their emotions and learn how to deal with them in a healthy manner. Anger, sadness, jealousy, spite – they are all important. If kids learn from an early age the importance of being able to express their emotions and deal with them in a healthy way – they will then be able to deal with the more serious emotions they may feel as they get older. In the society they are growing up in, this is of the upmost importance.
This article could go on and on and on. It is such an important message to parents to realise they can parent any way they want to, regardless of the way they were parented themselves. Parenting is the single most important job you will ever have, yet the only job that comes without training. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and advice – you are not supposed to know all of the answers.
Feel free to email me with any queries relating to the above or any other parenting issues.