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    positive communication


    We want our kids to be happy, successful, healthy and safe – this is a natural wish for every parent. But the reality is ‘there are no guarantees – except for those we wish were not there’.
    Despite our hopes, prayers, and best endeavours the only guarantees we have are;
    no matter what we do, our children will experience pain and loss, they will be disappointed in life, they will make mistakes, they will be let down, they will get sick, they will miss out, they will be lied to, they will get sad………

    Even though we want to give our children a life without hardship, we know it is impossible. What we can do though, is make them resilient, teach them how to deal with life’s ups and downs. We do our kids no favours making their lives too easy – we cannot protect them from ‘life’ and the many challenges they will face growing up.

    By making our kids resilient we can tilt the balance in our child’s favour. We have to teach them to take responsibility for their actions, teach them the importance of sticking up for their values, show by example how to cope with the many difficult situations we all face on a daily basis. Show them you believe in them and support them, even if you may not agree with their choices all the time. Our children are not ‘us’, they are a separate identity, with original thoughts and ideas. A person with their own dreams and goals to achieve, this can be very hard for some parents to accept. Try not making the mistake of wanting your children to live your dreams, allow them to find their own so they can make their own mark in life – this is the true road to happiness and success. I see so many teenagers and young adults trying to ‘please’ their parents but at a very big cost – allow them to find their own way in life, support them, trust them and believe in them and you will not go wrong.

    Parenting is the hardest, most frustrating, infuriating, emotional job in the world but can also be be the most rewarding, wonderful and heartfelt job too, that gives our life extra meaning and purpose.


    “Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed first.”

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    Why Parents Need to Show Their True Feelings

    What is one of the most important qualities of a healthy relationship? Authenticity – being who we are, the good, the bad and the ugly. Being authentic creates openness, connection and trust.

    Where does that leave us as parents – how much of our emotional selves should we put away and how much should we share with our kids.

    There is not a person on the planet who does not get sad, cranky, scared, or lonely, from time to time. Sometimes these feelings can stay around for a while. When our kids see or sense that there is something ‘not quite right’, they will watch us even closer than normal. If we do not explain why we are feeling a certain way, they will worry and come up with their own answers.

    Mom and daughter hands, outdoors

    We have a tendency to put on a brave face, to try to hide our upsetting emotions but is this the right thing to do?

    In my experience, both personally as a parent, and in working with other kids, this can be very confusing and upsetting for kids. We need to be as honest as possible and explain why we are upset, angry, lonely or sad as this will help our kids to understand it is ‘ok’ to feel like this. I do not mean to share our innermost feelings but possibly to explain, in an age appropriate way, why we are upset, sad etc. Difficult emotions can become threatening when they come with a bag load of unknowns. All feelings are part of living a healthy, happy, fulfilled life, once we know how to handle them, and this is what we need to pass on to our kids.
    Coping skills for kids is such an important part of their development and they need us to equip them with the necessary tools to enable them to deal with whatever may come their way.

    When our kids see us being ok with our troubled feelings it gives them permission to do the same. They won’t have the skills to manage them all for a while, and that’s ok. What’s important is that they see that everyone feels bad sometimes, and that they have opportunities to learn how to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner.

    Nobody is perfect, we can only do our best, and our best is good enough.

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    Anxiety – What is it? How can we help our anxious kids to be less anxious?

    People with anxiety have something in common – their brains have a unique wiring that is different to people who don’t have anxiety. This causes them to interpret things as harmful, even if they aren’t.

    We are all wired to notice and respond to threats in the environment. This is something that happens in all of us, and it is a healthy normal thing to do. It is something that has kept us humans alive, so when it’s happening in the right doses, its a great thing.
    For people with anxiety, this happens a little too much. An anxious brain is an overprotective brain. It does exactly what healthy, normal brains are meant to do, but more often. What this means is that people with anxiety tend to overgeneralise – their brains and their bodies respond to things as though they are dangerous or threatening, even when they aren’t. Explaining this difference to an anxious child/teen can help them to understand why they can feel like they do and more importantly that they can train their brain to feel less anxious with practice.

    For anyone with anxiety, or for anyone who loves someone with anxiety, it is important to remember that brains can change. Anxious brains are strong brains – wilful, determined, cautious – and as much as brains can change in ways that aren’t helpful, they are also open to changing in ways that are. Mindfulness and exercise are two things that have consistently been shown to strengthen the brain against anxiety. This doesn’t mean that anxiety will completely go away. We all need a little bit of anxiety to predict danger and to keep us safe.
    The more we can understand about the workings of the brain, the closer we get to understanding how to influence it in ways that will lead to a healthier, more enriched way of living.
    Take the time to show your child/teen a clear picture of the brain and how it works, pointing out the amygdala (controls strong emotion, fear and panic) and explain how they can help themselves to be less fearful about situations. The brain is a muscle and can be trained to work in the way we want it to work by practice. Mindfulness and exercise are great ways of helping the brain work in a healthier way. Helping your child to reach outside his or her comfort zone is also a great way to help with anxiety as it builds her confidence in trying new things. Start very small and build up when you feel he/she is ready.
    There is a lot of help out there to help those suffering with anxiety. Get the support you need to help alleviate this issue.
    If you have any questions regarding this post, please give me a call or email me and I will get back to you.

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    One of the toughest things about parenting is that the results are not always obvious. If we rely on the immediate behaviour of our kids to measure how we are doing as parents, there will be days we feel we have done the best job as a parent and days we do not understand what is happening in our chaotic world – this is the norm.

    The messages we learn as children are powerful and can determine the way we look at things and deal with many different issues throughout our lives. But we must remember, if we did not receive positive and healthy message as a child, this does NOT mean we cannot give positive and healthy messages to our kids. Too many parents believe they cannot be good parents because of their own childhood and the parenting they received – this is not the case.

    There are two ways our own history can influence us as parents;
    1. We can repeat what we have experienced.
    2. We can push against what we have been exposed to and do things in a completely different way.

    Here are some of the negative messages that can become embedded during childhood and new ways to think about them.

    Old Message
    “I don’t know what a good parent looks like. I’m ruining my kids.”
    New Message
    Knowing what a good parent ‘is not’ is as powerful as knowing what a good parent is. If you take the negative from your own parenting and make sure you do not repeat this, you are one step ahead.

    Old Message
    “You have to be good to be loved.”
    New Message
    Nobody is always good. But you are always good enough. Try not to compare your kids to other siblings, cousins etc, let them know they are great just the way they are. We all make mistakes, loose our temper, make rash decisions – this does not make us unlovable, it makes us human.

    Old Message
    “Arguing leads to trouble. It’s easier to agree.
    New Message
    Disagreements are normal and healthy in every family. Setting boundaries is essential in parenting, this will usually lead to arguments, but you have to stand strong. It is always easier to say ‘yes’, that does not mean it is always right.

    Old Message
    “Kids should be seen and not heard.”
    We all have a voice and its an important one, everyone deserves to be heard. We need to teach our kids how to be able to interact with other adults and peers, they need to be seen and heard to achieve this. This does not mean we have no privacy, there is a time and a place for everything. They need to know we will ‘listen’ to them when they have something to tell us – try to remember what was important to you when you were their age. If they come to you and you do not listen or show any interest in what they are saying, it may be the last time they come to you. Communication is vital in all stages of parenting.

    Old Message
    “Kids should do as they are told.”
    New Message
    Kids need to be able to say ‘no’ – this is one of the most important words on the planet. It is not the most pleasant when fired at us directly, but it is a word that we want them to know and to feel confident and strong about. Whenever you hear them say ‘no’, which very often will be at the most inconvenient times, know that your little being is experimenting with setting and protecting his or her own boundaries. It will be an experiment that will take time to master – and that’s ok.

    Old Message
    ‘What I want doesn’t matter.’
    The Truth
    ‘You matter, your needs matter.’
    One of the most damaging lessons that unhealthy families teach is that the needs of the child aren’t important. They will have various ways of doing this, including criticism, judgement, put-downs and neglect. The depression of needs will, literally, lead to depression and a malnourished self. We all have needs and we all need to be in an environment that is supportive of those needs. You matter and what is important to you matters. It is difficult to thrive when the things that are important to you are being crushed.

    Old Message
    Kids need to control themselves.
    The Truth
    Children have to learn how to understand their emotions and learn how to deal with them in a healthy manner. Anger, sadness, jealousy, spite – they are all important. If kids learn from an early age the importance of being able to express their emotions and deal with them in a healthy way – they will then be able to deal with the more serious emotions they may feel as they get older. In the society they are growing up in, this is of the upmost importance.

    This article could go on and on and on. It is such an important message to parents to realise they can parent any way they want to, regardless of the way they were parented themselves. Parenting is the single most important job you will ever have, yet the only job that comes without training. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and advice – you are not supposed to know all of the answers.
    Feel free to email me with any queries relating to the above or any other parenting issues.

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