The Importance of Active Listening
How often do we think we are listening to our kids, when really we are passive hearing?
What is active listening?
Active listening requirers that the listener concentrates fully, understands, responds, and later remembers what was said.
Listening without interruption - let your kids finish speaking before you jump in with advice/solutions. Sometimes all they need is to feel listened to, understood and loved.
What is passive hearing?
Passive hearing is when we half listen while on the phone, watching tv, cooking and so on but we are not really focused.
What are we telling our kids when we do not listen to them?
Am I not important to him?
Do my problems not matter to her?
Why is she so uninterested in my life?
Am I less important than his phone?
This is a problem I come across far too often when working with kids. I might suggest they share an issue or a story with a parent, only for the child to answer, ‘what’s the point, they never listen anyway?’ We can all be preoccupied at times, that is the norm. But it is so important to make time to listen to our kids, if you can’t do it at that moment, make time later in the day but try not to forget. (I often put a reminder in my phone for this one). It is so important that our kids know they can come to us with any issue. At age 5 it might be their pigtails are not right, but by age 15 it could be something a lot more important.
How would we feel if we had something important to say to the most important person in our world and realised they were not interest in listening to us? I think we would feel as our kids sometimes feel; disappointed, frustrated, let down, not valued and maybe not loved. Worth a thought!
If we do not listen to our children, they may turn to someone else. Kids can sometimes turn to their online world when they feel nobody is listening to them. We must avoid driving them in this direction as much as possible; this is a world without boundaries, a world we have no control over. In the online world, we do not have any input or control over the advice they may receive. It can be a dangerous place for kids to find themselves.
We can all listen better, with practice. It will not always be easy but it will be well worth the effort. Don’t focus on the newsfeed on your phone, the sports game on tv, more than the most important person in your world - your child. There may come a time when they stop trying to communicate with you and I strongly believe that this is not where any of us want to find ourselves.
Takeaway Tips
When your child has something to tell you, let them know you are interested in listening to them; eye contact, no distractions, and no interruptions, until they have finished speaking.
Give the most important person in your world your time and your attention - if you do not, who will?
Always make time to have that conversation. Sometimes you may need to put it off until a later time, but try not to forget about it - set a timer in your phone if necessary.